it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
