i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
