I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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