i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
