That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize