dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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