The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
