atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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