Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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