The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
