if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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