Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
