All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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