did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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