If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
