Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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