I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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