Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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