I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
