I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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