things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
