just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
