You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
