Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
