is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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