Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
