i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
