it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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