Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
