I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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