So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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