Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
