don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
