i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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