My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
