I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
