I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
