Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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