No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
