I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
