We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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