I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
