My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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