i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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