she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
