omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
