Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Help. Why am I so naked?
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