My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
