shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
