My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
