I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
