i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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