Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
