worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My pussy is not your playground.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize