Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize