my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this boner is exhausting
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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