Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
