So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
