I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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