I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This baby is an asshole
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
