ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
