Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
